Hans That Does Dishes Can Be Soft As Je-Vais, With My Green Hairy-Lipped Squid; Or, A Male Perspective On Cleaning/Grooming Products
Int. Violet Towers, about midday. VIOLET is looking at pictures of Russian Blue kittens on the internet and making soft keening noises. MR VIOLET enters by the front door (offstage right), carrying an orange plastic shopping bag.
MR VIOLET: (triumphantly) They gave me a new bag-for-life. Look.
VIOLET: (looks) Well done. They weren't funny about it or anything?
MR VIOLET: No.
VIOLET: I note from the lack of mewling coming from that bag that you didn't stop at the kitten shop as I requested.
MR VIOLET: For the last time, There. Is. No. Kitten. Shop. Look, some people are born with kittens, some people have kittens thrust upon them (VIOLET looks hopeful), but some people have to get off their arses and find their own kittens.
VIOLET: Hmph.
MR VIOLET: But look, I got some of that silly bread you like. (produces a crusty rye loaf with seeds) And some Gaylord Washing-Up Liquid.
VIOLET: ...Gaylord Washing-Up Liquid??
MR VIOLET produces a bottle of pale purple Sainsbury's 'active naturals' washing-up liquid with lavender and orange essential oils.
VIOLET: Oh, I see. It is a bit, isn't it?
MR VIOLET: I like the word 'gaylord'. There's something hilariously of the playground about it. This was cheaper than Morning Fresh though. Oh, and you know my Cthulhu shampoo?
VIOLET: Yes.
MR VIOLET: They do Cthulhu bubble bath now as well. I nearly got some.
VIOLET: (confused) Really?
MR VIOLET: Yes, but then I came to my senses. I can probably use the Gaylord Washing-Up Liquid anyway.
VIOLET: Ur, you smell of proper coffee, go away.
MR VIOLET: Sorry, I know how you dislike awakeness.
MR VIOLET goes upstairs and recommences checking thousands of footnotes.
We are terrible, terrible, strange people. It is just a hilariously stupid word though. Has me in fits every time. I'm sure we only ever use it ironically. And never, ever in other company just in case.
UPDATE: On closer inspection, the Cthulhu bubble bath looks a bit more like Yog-Sothoth bubble bath. "... only a congeries of iridescent globes ..."
UPDATE on Monday: Someone has got here by googling 'Cthulhu shampoo', a search for which I am the first link. Awesome.
4 remarks:
A bag-for-life is for life. Kittens turn into cats.
Aha, but as it turns out a bag for life is not necessarily for life, Mr Violet had to get one of ours replaced cos the bottom had all holes in. I quite like cats, though. Kittens are alright for a wee bit but they do take a lot of looking after - you have to follow them around for the first 3 months at least in case they get stuck behind/inside some hitherto unknown crevice of/under furniture and do themselves a mischief.
Kittens' bottoms have holes in them, too.
I'm also quite fond of 'gaylord', in a strictly ironic sense of course. But it's very difficult to come up with a moral/linguistic algorithm to explain why 'gaylord' is OK, but 'sausage jockey', 'pillow biter' and 'uphill gardener' are wrong.
There, that'll get some interesting Google traffic, if nothing else.
I used to snigger every time I walked past a curry house called The Gaylord.
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